On the way to school this morning, Kiddo said from the back seat, "No one likes to play with me at recess. So I'm going to think of some really fun games to play, and then maybe they will want to play with me!" My heart broke a little. I told him I thought that was a great idea. I suggested he should also think of someone he wants to play with, and then go up to them at recess and say "Hi, (Billy or whoever), what are you playing? Can I play, too?" (he sometimes needs a script to follow in social situations). "I know, Mommy," he said, "I tried that a couple of times already." I started brainstorming. I asked him if his classmates still played soccer during recess, since organized games are sometimes easier for him to grasp, and he has had some success with soccer in the past. "Sometimes," he said, "but they wouldn't give me a turn with the ball, so I just left." By this time, we had arrived at school. I gave him a big hug, told him that if I could pick any kid on the playground to be mine, I would pick him, and sent him to class. I held it together on the way home, but when I got in the door, I broke down and just sobbed. Being a kid is hard. So is being a mom.
I admire his spunk and determination so much, to go out there every day hoping for a playmate, thinking of creative ideas to try and get the other kids to play with him, and it breaks my heart to think that the other kids at school can't see what an awesome kid he is. Who wouldn't want to play with this little guy?
Yes, he has his quirks, but he is also fun, and funny, and creative. He gets so much joy out of being with other kids. It saddens me that they aren't willing to have a little extra patience with him, to explain the rules of their game, to wait for him as he navigates the playground equipment. He wants to play with the other kids so much, yet can't keep up with the speed of their social interactions, or the ever-changing rules of their games. Or they will allow him to play for a few minutes until they realize he can't run or climb the playground equipment as quickly and easily as they can, and he either gets left behind, or told that they don't want to play with him any more.
What's frustrating as a mom is how helpless I feel. How do I help him when I'm not there? And even if I were there, what would I do? Tell the other kids that they MUST play with my kid? Stick to his side and coach him through every interaction? There are teachers and staff members out on the playground, but I can't expect them to follow my child around the whole time, making sure he is included. They have a hundred other kids to look after as well. Maybe it would it help if I went in to school and talked to his class about autism and what they can do to help? Or would that just single him out as being "different" even more? What I probably will do, at least, is talk to his teacher and/or the special education resource room at school, to see if they have any suggestions. But I think this is something Kiddo will struggle with for years.
My prayer this year has been for Kiddo to find a friend. Just one friend. I had high hopes when school started a few weeks ago, but after this morning, I am worried that it won't happen, that the other kids won't give him a chance. I'm sure that's a little premature of me, but I'm his mom. I can't help it.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for this amazing son you've given me. Thank you for his determination, for his creativity. Thank you for his sweet and gentle spirit, for his laughter and for the joy he gets out of life. Please help his classmates to see the many gifts you have given him. Help him also to recognize the gifts and strengths of others. Please bring him one friend at school, someone who will see him as you see him, who will love him despite his weaknesses and idiosyncrasies. And may this experience help my son to love others who seem a little different, and to treat them with compassion.
Help me as a mom know how to help him and support him best. Help me to know when to stand back and let him fight his own battles, when to coach him from the sidelines, and when to step in and get more involved. Please give me wisdom as I parent this incredible kid.
Love,
me
***
P.S. Now that I go back and read over this, it sounds like the other kids at school are mean and cruel. They are not. They are sweet kids. I am in the classroom regularly, and they are wonderful children. They just don't understand my son, and, with so many other "easy" playmates around, they don't take the time to figure him out. I have also been very grateful for the teachers and staff, who love my son and genuinely care about him and want him to succeed. They have been willing to go the extra mile with him, to help him over hurdles and rough spots. Hopefully we can make it over this hurdle, too.
5 comments:
Kirsten, I remember days like that and I remember crying too. Feeling helpless at that moment is not a good feeling. I will be praying for both you and Caleb as you both adventure through this year.
Kirsten as i said on Facebook, i cry as i read this, feeling my own pain as even though Micah doesn't have autism he struggles the same way and it hurts and you can't fix it as much as you want to and try to.....it's a hard lonely road sometimes but God's arms are always with us holding us up when we have not the strength on our own. god has a special plan for Caleb and for Micah. He made them special and made them unique and he knows why even when we don't. he understands their them even when others don't and he ses our tears and feels our pain......but God is faithful.....God doesn't give us anything we can't handle....i have told myself that so many times as i cry myself to sleep......Turn him over to God and he will see you through......unfortunately not always in the time that we want
I have watched this happen as a teacher, and lived through it last year with my daughter.
You've expressed yourself so beautifully, and you clearly understand the dynamics of what is happening at school.
Talking to the teachers/resource people at school is a great idea. Phrasing it, "Caleb tells me he's trying to play with friends on the playground, but he feels like he's not having very much luck. Can you give me any ideas of how I can help him?"
Another idea you might want to try is asking his teacher if there is anyone he seems to enjoy being around or hanging out with---then invite that boy over to play after school or on the weekend. It might be easier for him to become better acquainted with one boy at a time, which might translate into better relationships on the playground.
I totally get your first sentence, "I hate recess." As the teacher, most of the hurtful school stuff happened in one of two places: on the bus or at recess.
Sometimes I remind myself, "One day at a time." But in cases like these, sometimes it's one hour at a time---both for us and for our kiddos as they negotiate and navigate these "practice" friendships in preparation for growing up.
Best of luck. We will be thinking of you and praying for you. :)
HUGS to you!
You have expressed this beautifully. Lots of kids really do go through it and it's heartbreaking. Although Matthew hasn't been totally left out, there is one kid at daycare that everyday rebuffs his attempts at friendship. I don't know how many times I listened to this kid say today, "Get away from me. I don't like you." As I was fuming, I kept thinking about you and your little one. I love that he is so optimistic and ready to think of some great games. Talking to the teachers is a great place to start. I so hope he makes a friend this year! What an awesome little guy. Maybe you should pole the class on who loves ducks...:)
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