adoption news (it's probably not what you think)

My apologies – this is a lengthy post.  It is not one that you have to read in its entirety, but it is one that I had to write, for myself.

Several people have stopped me lately and asked if we had any adoption news.  The short answer is “yes…and no.”  Yes, we have news, but it’s probably not what most people expect to hear from us:  after much thought and prayer, Hubby and I have made the decision to step back from our plans to adopt from Ethiopia, at least for the time being.  We have – for now – closed the door on infertility treatments, adoption, and all other methods of growing our family (well, okay, that’s not entirely true…we are leaving ONE door open...) and are going to focus on being content as a family of three and enjoying the child with which we’ve been blessed.

We’ve surprised a lot of people with our decision, but it feels like the right one. 

There are several reasons for this change in direction.  The primary reason is that we found we were not completely at peace with Ethiopian adoption.  I can go into more details about our thought process later, if anyone is really curious, but for now I will just say that it became very clear that we weren’t ready.  Not that we think Ethiopian adoption is wrong (far from it) but it felt wrong for us, at least right now. 

We are weary.  We have been on this roller coaster journey trying to grow our family for nearly six years, and we - and our options - are exhausted.  We have tried to conceive on our own.  We have sought medical help through basic infertility treatments.  We have experienced miscarriage.  We have waited over two and a half years for a match through domestic infant adoption.  We have looked into foster care and international adoption.

And God has been present, but not very clear in his direction.  I feel like we have been stumbling and bumbling our way, trying to discern his will, taking steps of faith and listening for affirmation as we take them.  Most of those steps have felt right and good and positive, despite their seeming lack of results (Ethiopia didn't feel that way, and that was one of our first clues that we needed to re-think this).   But I feel like I’ve been the one in the driver’s seat, asking God (in the passenger seat) if I’m driving in the right direction.  Now, I'm ready to switch seats.  God can take the wheel.  If he wants our family to grow, I’m ready for him to let us know clearly and undoubtedly by "dropping children in our lap," if he so chooses.  If not, I think I am finally ready to be okay with that.  Is there still grief and pain over my infertility?  Yes.  But I want to live life in the moment instead of wishing for what could have been.  I want to fully enjoy the family I have already been blessed with, and to leave the rest up to the Lord. 

Kiddo still prays every once in a while for a baby sister, and I don’t know quite what to do with that.  I don’t want to quench his faith, but I also don’t see a baby sister in the future at this point.  For now I will encourage him to keep praying.  And I will pray that God makes his will for our family known.  If he wants us to be a family of three, I will be content, and I will pray that Kiddo’s faith will not be bruised by unanswered prayer.  If God wants us to adopt or get involved in foster care or some other ministry, I’m praying that he makes that blatantly obvious, and gives us a sense of peace and excitement and “rightness.”

In some ways this decision was difficult, because we know that there are orphans out there who need homes.  I almost feel guilty for changing my mind about adopting from Ethiopia, because I know the need is great, and I have developed a more tender heart for children and orphans.  Knowing what we now know, I don’t think we can sit back and do nothing.  I'm not sure yet what our involvement or ministry will look like, but I know that I want to do something.

We have been particularly troubled by the discovery that many Ethiopian children are orphans simply because of poverty.  It hurts me to think of the mothers (or fathers) who, lacking sufficient resources, are forced to make the gut-wrenching decision to place some or all of their children for adoption.  I want to get involved in the fight against that poverty.  What if, instead of adopting one or two children, we gave away even a portion of the money we have saved for our adoption?  Could we help even more children that way?  We could sponsor kids through Compassion or World Vision.  We could donate to an organization like the Heifer Project, supporting families for the long-term and helping them become self-sufficient.  If we can’t or don’t feel comfortable adopting, can we address the orphan crisis by helping those organizations that are working on long-term solutions to the poverty that creates so many orphans in the first place? 

I don’t know yet where the Lord will take us, or how he will ask us to get involved.  I pray that we will have open hearts and minds for what he might have in store.  In the meantime, I will praise him and thank him for the beautiful family that I already have, and for the things I have learned and ways I have grown while on this journey.

prohibition

These signs got taped to our wall tonight:

("no tikling untel I turn seven!")

He doesn't really mean it.

we survived!

We made it through our internet-free day yesterday!
It was hard.  I went through withdrawal.  I thought about my computer all day.  I got twitchy.
Hubby did it with me.  It is so much easier when you are not the only one.

We got projects done around the house.
We spent time together as a family.
We snuggled on the couch and read over each other's shoulder.
We went to bed early.
We lay (laid?  That one always gets me) in bed and talked in the dark - about real stuff, not just what is for dinner or what our plans are for the weekend.   

We are doing it again.
Every Thursday.
I'm excited.
It's hard, but I like it.

The only downside?  I opened the computer this morning to 43 blog posts, 24 e-mails and over 300 Facebook posts. 

fallish things

I love this tree in the fall.

 

It makes me want to chop down all of our pin oaks with their drab brown leaves and replace them with gloriously colorful maples.

 

If only it didn't take 50 years or more to grow maples to match the current size of our oaks.  Sigh.

Kiddo needed a leaf for a science project, so the other day we headed for this tree to get some good ones.

Today was rainy and blustery - all the leaves from that tree are now on the ground.  Boohoo.

Random bit #1:  This picture is blurry, and taken through the windshield (I was going about 2 miles an hour and I checked for cars all around and behind, and only held the camera long enough to snap a quick one...honest!), but it's the best I could do under the circumstances. 

Kind of reminds me of Lothlorien from Lord of the Rings (is my nerdiness coming out now?).  Although, I suppose the telephone poles do kind of ruin that comparison, don't they?

Random bit #2:  I found this little guy checking out Kiddo's sidewalk chalk drawings yesterday.

Random bit #3:  Why do digital cameras have such a hard time with deep reds?  I have seen this in several pictures, taken in a variety of situations.  This is not the color of my mums.  It's too...pink.

Random bit #4:  I am embarrassed by how addicted to the internet I am.  When I'm bored, I flip open the laptop and waste time online.  Not that I don't value the connections and friendships I've made online, but do I really need to be checking the computer every 20 minutes?  No, I do not.  So, Hubby and I are seriously considering declaring one day a week as "internet-free day," where both of us promise to stay off-line.  Tomorrow is our first try.  It is going to be hard.  It will drive me crazy.  But I really want to do this.

deer are cute in the woods...

but not in our yard.

They leave piles of poop for us to step in.
They have decimated our hostas.

From this:

To this:

They apparently have a taste for hydrangea as well...

Our next-door neighbors have several similar plants, and theirs haven't been touched.  It's not fair, I tell you.

My parents, who live in the woods, had such a hard time with deer that they ended up surrounding their yard with a 10-foot fence.  Somehow I don't think that would be practical here, nor appreciated by our neighbors.  But sometimes it sounds like a great idea.

autism update

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support over the past few weeks!  Here's an update on our recess/playmate situation. 

I have been so impressed with the teachers we've had so far at school.  I sang the praises of Kiddo's kindergarten teacher last year, and Kiddo's teacher this year is also pretty much just awesome.  I talked with her a couple of days after Kiddo said something, and mentioned to her that he was having trouble finding friends to play with on the playground.  She immediately began watching for him on the playground (actually, I think she was already doing some of this even before I said anything to her, as was Kiddo's teacher from last year), and she also spoke to all of the other teachers and staff members who rotate on recess duty so that everyone would be aware of the situation.  After checking with me to make sure I didn't mind, she also began assigning a couple of kids each day to play with Kiddo.  She has been so supportive and willing to work with us - she is such a blessing! 

She was very excited about my offer to come in and talk with the class, so I went in and talked to them yesterday.  It went really well [sigh of relief!].  My mom came and took Kiddo out for a doughnut date while I stayed and talked with the kids for about 15 minutes.  I talked about how everyone has things that they are good at and things that are hard for them, and I asked the kids to tell me some things that they were good at, as well as things that were hard.  I told them that autism made Kiddo's brain work differently, so that he had some different things that were hard and easy.  I told them about the things that Kiddo was good at (memory, math, creativity, puzzles...) and then went on to talk about the things that were hard for Kiddo.  I tried to focus on just the most important issues, so I settled on three:

1)  Kiddo can't understand what other kids are thinking or feeling (because he can't read body language), so it is hard for him to play with other kids or know what he is supposed to do.  To help him, kids can invite him to play, tell him the "rules" of whatever they are playing, and use extra words to tell him what they are thinking.  Kiddo's teacher added that when out on the playground, Kiddo sometimes "loses" the kids that he is playing with, because he has trouble recognizing them in the crowd, so his playmates may need to come find him if he gets separated from them.

2)  When there are a lot of kids, Kiddo can't process all of the conversations going on around him fast enough, nor realize if he is supposed to participate in the conversation.  He also can't respond fast enough to kids running by and saying "hi" in the hallway.  He's not being rude, he's just being autistic.  Kids can help by saying his name first when asking a question, and giving him a few extra seconds to respond, or touching him lightly on the arm to get his attention before saying something to him.

3)  Motor skills are a challenge - things like kicking or throwing a ball are tough, as well as navigating the monkey bars and other trickier aspects of the playground.  I told the class they could help by playing with Kiddo on other parts of the playground, or waiting for him on the other side of the monkey bars until he can find another way around, or giving him a turn with the ball even though he's not as strong so that he can practice and get better.

They were all very attentive and really seemed to "get it."  They seemed to take it in stride, like it was no big deal.  One of the moms saw me this afternoon and said her son came home talking all about Kiddo and what I had told them that morning.  He even remembered a lot of the major points I was trying to get across!  Awesome.

So, thanks again for praying!  I'm really pleased with how things are going.  No, Kiddo hasn't made any true friends yet, but I am seeing so many little areas of improvement, it is encouraging (remind me of this the next time we have a bad day, okay?).  I'm hoping that his classmates will be more tolerant of Kiddo's idiosyncrasies now that they know there is a reason for them and he's not just "weird." 

Love him!

p.s.

I am talking to Kiddo's class about autism Monday morning.  Your prayers would be greatly appreciated!  Thanks!

(background can be found here)