my turn

Is it just me, or do you also sometimes find that it's easier to see God working in someone else's life than it is to see the ways he is working in yours?

Maybe it's not so much that I don't see God moving in my life, because I do - in so many different ways - but that I don't see him working in one particular area of my life - that of our longing to have more children.

While I have come to terms, in many ways, with my infertility, what is frustrating to me is that we have been on this journey for over five years now, in one form or another, and I feel like God has been largely silent the whole time.  I believe he has been here, traveling this road with us, but he has been a pretty quiet traveling companion.  He hasn't been saying much (or we haven't been hearing much), no matter how many times we have asked him for wisdom and direction.

And what makes it even more frustrating is that I see him speaking so loudly and clearly to friends in similar situations.  I see him blessing friends with successful pregnancies after fertility treatments.  I see him quickly matching friends with birth families in the U.S.  I see him giving friends a heart for orphans in another country and then "moving mountains" to unite them with their adopted child(ren) - providing the finances necessary, shortening expected wait times, healing children of special needs, speaking clearly about whether or not to accept a referral.  Just this week, one friend has given birth to her second child, one friend has given birth to her fourth, I read a blog post from another friend who has been matched with her Chinese daughter (the details of this story are awesome, but too many to share here), and another blog post from a friend who is traveling to Ethiopia two months earlier than expected to bring home her son.

I love hearing those stories.  I am, and have been, excited for these friends, and I want to celebrate with them and praise God with them.  But sometimes I can't help but feel left out.  I find myself crying out, "Okay, Lord, when is it MY turn?  Can't I join in on the fun?  When do I get to tell others about the miracles you've done to bring OUR family together?  We're not getting any younger, you know..."

If you are a friend of mine, please don't take this the wrong way.  Pleasepleaseplease PLEASE keep sharing your stories with me.  I am truly interested in what is going on in your life.  I want to see pictures of your little ones and share in the joys (and challenges) of parenthood.  I may be envious, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to hear it or that I don't want to rejoice with you.  I do!!  For reals.

I just don't understand why God has been silent for so long, has made us wait for so long.  It is hard to continue to have hope when we have been disappointed so many times and when everyone else's prayers seem to be getting answered, but not ours.  Is our answer to just continue to wait?  For how long?  Or, if we are meant to adopt internationally instead of in the U.S. (where we are currently trying to adopt), why haven't we been given some sort of nudge in that direction?  Or are we meant to have just one child?

For now, I will choose to continue to believe that God knows what he is doing.  I will choose to trust that he has our best interests at heart.  I will choose to believe that he hasn't forgotten us, that he is moving, and we just can't see it yet.  Some day, we'll be drinking the lemonade that he squeezes from this lemon.

***

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again, I say "amen," and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for you are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

(from "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns)

***

P.S.  I don't want to ignore the blessing of the child that we do have.  I am so thankful for him, that I was able to experience pregnancy at least once, that I have the opportunity to parent this amazing kid.  Many women are longing for their first child, and my heart just breaks for the pain I know they are suffering.  I am thankful.  And praying for those who have not (yet) been blessed in the same ways that I have been.